Go Your Own Way (The Swingtown Series Book 3) Read online

  Copyright © 2016 by Jaime Whitley

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, distributed, stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form of by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, without express permission of the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes, if done so constitutes a copyright violation.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters and events are fictitious in every regard. Any similarities to actual events and persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental. Any trademarks, service marks, product names, or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners and are used only for reference. There is no implied endorsement if any of these terms are used.

  Edited by: Jaime Whitley.

  Formatted by: Jaime Whitley

  Book Cover Designed by: Jaime Whitley

  Acknowledgments

  These are going to be short and sweet.

  To my author circle, Ferris, Skye, Tyf, Michelle, Heidi, Kathy, Gabbie, Stacey, Angel, and Tracy. I love you bitches and thank you for always supporting me!

  To my PA Tiffany, You’re the best PA ever, and I appreciate everything you do for me!

  To everyone in the lifestyle who took the time to talk to me and educate me on swinging, I appreciate all the time taken out of your daily schedules and all the knowledge you provided me with. To open up about something so personal and share your experiences with me is much appreciated. I have to say; you all have a heart of gold.

  Jamie, oh where should I start? Thank you for coming with me and remembering everything while I took notes. I hate the circumstance that brought us back together, but I’m glad we’re always able to pick right back up where we left off.

  Freddie, Thank you for always looking for errors.

  To the owners of a special club, I appreciate you letting me come in and see what a swingers club looks like and everything that is involved with running it.

  To my family, I love you to the moon and back. Never stop dreaming.

  To the readers, bloggers, I appreciate your continued support and couldn’t do any of this without you.

  Chapter 1

  The shrill noise of a lawn mower outside my window pulls me out of my deep slumber. Rolling over in bed, I grab the pillow and place it over my head trying to mute the annoying sound. That’s when I’m met with a throbbing pain in my head. As I lay here, wondering why the hell I let myself get so drunk last night, unwelcomed images start flooding my head giving me the not so much needed reminder.

  Klaus and Hayley. Okay well, it wasn’t so much Klaus and Hayley, but more of the atmosphere I was in. I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on it sooner. The fact I was so oblivious as to what was going on around me just irritates me even more. As much as I would like to sit in bed and dwell on it, I need to get up and get my day started. Today is going to be a start to my new life.

  Camden and I agreed that he would take the kids over to Katrina’s house before he left for work and I would meet him at the lawyers around noon. I feel horrible lying to Katrina, but she has her own issues going on with her health right now, I don’t need to bother her with mine. When I opened up to her that day at her house about how we almost got divorced in the past, she immediately wanted to help and as much as I would love for support, her health trumps my martial problems. When I sit back and think about it, my issues aren’t big compared to hers. The doctors found another tumor but caught it quickly and were able to remove it before it could get any worse. She always puts on a brave smile, but I can see through it. It’s the same one I’ve been putting on for years and will continue to have to do so after today is over and done with.

  My marriage over these past couple of years has been one big lie. And frankly, I’m tired of living it. I don’t know how Camden can go on day after day living his life like things are picture perfect. How he doesn’t get tired of having to act like everything is rainbows and butterflies every day is beyond me. Sometimes, I honestly think he believes it is.

  After I shower and get dressed, I put my hair up in a messy bun before applying a little makeup. Looking in the mirror, I search the face of the person staring back at me and hate what I see. The woman who is in the reflection is not who I used to be. I look weak and knowing just how fucking strong I am, I hate myself a little more for letting my life get this far out of my control. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children more than life itself. They are by far the best thing that has come out of this marriage, but I gave up my whole life and changed who I was for a man I thought loved me unconditionally. I was foolish to think that I had his unconditional love. I will never own his heart and it’s time for me to take mine back, save it for someone who loves me for me.

  ***

  As I approach the tall building, I pull into a spot and put the car in park. Looking at the clock, I see I’m twenty minutes early. Instead of going inside, I choose the safer option of sitting in my car enjoying the silence. I’m not sure how this mediation will go today. Camden and I are on two totally different pages ever since I brought up the word divorce. He’s been trying to get me to change my mind, thinking there’s nothing wrong and that we can work through my issues. But that’s the thing, my issue with him will never go away because he can’t let go of her.

  I decide that sitting here is only delaying the inevitable and I’ve done that long enough. Opening the door, I get out of the car and make my way into the building. As I stand in the elevator and watch the circle light up each number my heart starts pounding faster. This is something that I’ve wanted for a long time and now that it’s finally here, it scares the shit out of me. The soft ding alerts me that I arrived at my floor and the doors slowly open. Looking straight ahead, Camden is the first person I see as he stands in front of the office door waiting for me. He looks handsome as ever in his uniform and his smile that lights up at the sight of me breaks my heart. Giving him the best smile I can as I reach him, I place a kiss on his cheek, greeting him.

  “Hey.” Opening the door for me, I head in first as he follows.

  “Did you have any issues getting the kids up and ready this morning?” I'm trying to keep things civil between us, light. I know that once we’re inside the door that the gloves might come off.

  “Not at all. You know how excited they get when they get to spend the day with their friends.” He’s right. The best way to get the kids moving in the morning is to mention their friends.

  “Well, hopefully it’s a good day. I hate that we have to go home and tell them that our family is going to…”

  “Be broken up?” Camden says, finishing my sentence. “Honestly, Julie. Why are we doing this? You know I love you and I know things haven’t been that great, but it’s nothing we can’t work out.” So much for keeping things pleasant. I can feel the anger rising in me. He just doesn’t understand how I feel.

  “You know why, Camden. We tried to work it out and I know you love me. But the fact that you’re not in love with me is the problem. We’ve tried to work through it. I’ve tried to climb the walls that have been up. I’ve changed who I am and the things I love because I honestly thought I would grow with you. But you can’t grow with someone who won’t let go of the past. I can’t keep competing with someone who isn’t here. I shouldn’t have to Camden, I’m your wife. You chose me. You asked me to marry you.” I can feel the anger slipping into pain as I speak, the hurt from living under this constant cloud seeping into my words.

  “And you said yes.” His tone is laced with hurt, but I can’t let it get to me.

  “You’re r
ight I did. I was so caught up in the fairytale of it all and having that happily every after, I didn’t even realize I was giving up who I truly am for that life. I should have realized that I couldn’t have had it all, without compromising my wants and needs.”

  “So that’s what this is really about? Your need for the BDSM lifestyle?” His tone is hushed like he’s ashamed to say it any louder than he needs to.

  “See!” Throwing my hands up in frustration I let out an aggravated sigh. “You don’t even listen. “This has nothing to do with the fact that I used to be a Domme. This has to do with the fact that your in love with your fiancée whose been dead for six years. How when I’m laying in bed with you, my husband, at night, you hold me in your sleep and call me by her name.” The shocked look on his face doesn’t surprise me. I’ve never told him about the countless times that’s happened. I know who fills his dreams at night and it’s not me. So why dig the knife deeper by bringing it up in the morning. Just then, our lawyer walks up and greets us before bringing us into the conference room to begin mediation.

  Chapter 2

  Mediation went as well as it could. I tried to avoid eye contact with Camden as much as possible. Every time I looked at him, he had this desperate pleading look as if he was silently begging me not to do this. I know I’m breaking his heart, but he will see that I am doing this as much for him as for me. I don’t make him happy and he needs to realize it so he can finally find the woman who can help him move on.

  The splitting of assets went well, and I'm thankful that Camden and I had already decided last week what we were splitting and keeping. We both agreed that we wanted this to be a peaceful split for the kids’ sake since they are going to have enough to deal with. Camden already has a place lined up even though I told him there was no rush in leaving. I may be the one who’s pushing the divorce, but I’m not a bitch. I’m not going to kick the father of my children out onto the street with no place to go. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little relieved that he has his own place. The sooner we jump into this, the sooner the kids will learn to adjust to the changes. It’s not going to be easy on them, but my kids deserve to know what true love really is and not to grow up around two parents just sticking it out.

  Camden and I parted ways after the meeting. He had to go back to work and I had to grab the kids from Katrina’s house. I know I’ll have to tell her what’s going on today. She will have questions when she sees Camden packing his stuff and I already lied to her enough.

  Running into my house real quick to change into something more comfortable, I feel the wetness in my eyes. My chest tightens as reality sets in that I’m finally free. I take a moment and allow myself to cry for the chapter of my life that’s ending, and for the relief I feel for the one that’s about to begin. I love Camden with all my heart and that’s what’s made this decision so hard. No matter how much I love him, it doesn’t matter. He can never love me the way he loves her. I can’t replace her and I refuse to spend my life fighting for space in a heart that’s already taken. Grabbing a pair of sweats, I take them into the bathroom with me and undress. I wash the makeup off my face before I change, hoping the water hides the puffiness under my eyes. Once I’m changed. I take a deep breath and head across the street to face Katrina.

  Knocking on the door before I open it, I yell out to her as I walk in the house. “Katrina?”

  “Out back. Would you mind grabbing me a water on your way out?” She yells. Stopping in the kitchen, I grab two bottles of water from the fridge and meet her outside. Handing her a bottle of water, she grabs it from my hands and I pull out a chair, sitting next to her.

  “How was your doctor’s appointment? Everything check out okay?” She asks while watching the kids swim in the pool. The guilt of lying to her sinks in as I remain silent. I’m trying to figure out how to break the news to her without upsetting her with the lies I’ve been telling her. “Julie? What’s wrong? Did the doctors find something bad?” Her concern snaps me back to reality and I can see by the way she’s leaning forward in her chair she’s thinking the worst.

  “No! I’m sorry. Look, There’s something I need to talk to you about.” Swallowing hard, I bulk up the courage to tell my best friend that everything she’s known about me has been one big façade.

  “You know you can tell me anything.” She places her hand on my arm.

  “I know, and I appreciate that.” I smile warmly at her. “Do you remember when we were out here talking and I told you about how Camden and I almost got a divorce when he was going through school?” She nods. “Well, there was more to it than just the stress of school. You see,” I shift in my seat and Katrina must see how uncomfortable I am at this moment. “I’m not sure if you know this, but Camden was engaged long before I ever came in the picture.” Katrina’s eyes widen in shock as she leans back in her chair.

  “I had no idea,” she says in disbelief.

  “Not too many people do. I wasn’t sure if he had told Justin or not, you know how men in the military gossip worse than women. So I figured he could have heard and just hadn’t said anything. Anyway, he was engaged to someone in the military. They met when he first enlisted and they toured together. Long story short, their FOB got ambushed and she died in his arms. There wasn’t anything he could do and he couldn’t find the medic or risk moving her.”

  “Wow, I had no idea. I’m sorry to hear that.” I shrug. “But what does that have to do with you?” Katrina asks.

  “Well you know the saying time heals all wounds?” She nods. “I can be the first one to tell you that isn’t the case.” The sound of my kid’s laughter draws my attention away from Katrina and I watch as they jump into the pool, swimming after each other without a care in the world. They have no idea that when their dad gets home from work, their world will be turned upside down. I can’t look Katrina in the eyes so I keep watching my kids as I speak the words out loud for the first time to someone else. “As of today, Camden and I are officially divorced.”

  “Wait, what?” I look at Katrina who looks like a deer caught in headlights.

  “We met with the mediator today to go over who get’s what and all that other stuff that comes along with…” Trailing off I can’t bring myself to say the word again. It’s still setting in and I’m suddenly feeling sick talking about it.

  “But he loves you, Julie.” Her voice is soft and I can tell she doesn’t understand.

  “You’re right he does love me. He’s just not in love with me. There’s a huge difference between the two.” The cost of following my heart takes the beauty out of the sensitive emotion, but those words speak true.

  “How can you say that? I see the way he looks at you.”

  “I do too. But it’s what you don’t see that makes the façade of our perfect marriage survive. I’m tired of putting a smile on my face when I just want to cry. I’m tired of pretending that when my husband dreams of his fiancé at night and calls me her name, that it’s really me who’s dreaming. I’m tired of having to look at all her belongings that sit in my attic every time I want to get decorations down because he can’t let go. I’m tired of being tired.” Getting up out of her seat, Katrina walks over and leans down embracing me in a hug.

  “I’m sorry, Julie. I honestly had no idea.” I allow the tears to flow down my cheeks knowing that I can finally show how I feel and not have to hide it anymore. “You know if you need anything, I’m here for you.” I nod and pull away, wiping the tears from my eyes.

  “I’ll be okay. It’s the kids I’m worried about. I just want them to have a normal life and I’m not sure how to do that since all this is new to me.”

  “If it’s as bad as you say it is, it will only get worse. You’re doing the best thing for them. They may not realize it now, but they will thank you in the long run. No kids want to see their parents fighting all the time.” I smile at her words of encouragement and support. “Now let’s go, I don’t know what you were thinking, coming out here with water. You should h
ave grabbed the wine.” I laugh because she’s right. “Kids! Let’s go! Out of the pool and in the house.” With a bunch of awes and do we have to’s, the kids get out and head inside up to the playroom upstairs.

  Katrina wastes no time opening the bottle of wine and brings me over a glass topped off. I take a much-needed sip from it and relax as it smoothly flows down my throat. I’m surprised when I see Justin walk through the door, I didn’t realize he was getting off early today. He walks over, giving Katrina a kiss before approaching me and kissing my cheek.

  “Hey, honey. Why are you home so early? I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s a nice surprise, but I thought you weren’t going to be home until five.” Justin looks to me and gives me a sad smile although I’m not sure why before returning his attention to his wife.

  “I ran into Camden today at work. I was able to talk to him before he had to go into a briefing and he told me what was going on. I figured since everything I had left to do could wait until tomorrow, I would come home and watch the kids so you girls can have some time to talk.” He looks back to me. “I’m really sorry for everything.” I smile because there really isn’t anything else to do in this moment.

  “That was so thoughtful of you honey. What do you say we bring this bottle of wine to your house and finish our conversation?” Katrina grabs the bottle and her glass not even giving me time to answer. Getting up out of the chair, I hug Justin. “Thank you for letting me borrow her, and for watching the kids.”